AWWE Revolution - 17th July 2004

The arena is filled with darkness, suddenly, the pyrotechnics go off, filling the arena with explosions, as AWWE starts its Saturday event, ‘Revolution’

The camera zooms across the arena, showing the crowd, before finally moving in on the two announcers, Steve ‘Diamond’ White and Darren ‘Ruby’ Tuesday, sat at the announcers desk, wearing smart suits, looking more like they should be reading the news than doing that time old, and realistically pointless announcers job of telling people who are watching the show what is happening.

Diamond – hello and welcome to the first AWWE event, Revolution, and have we got a show for you tonight, the first show of a new federation, I’m Steve ‘Diamond’ White

Ruby – a federation formed through the merger of the GWE and the AWW, welcome to the all new AWWE, I’m Darren ‘Ruby’ Tuesday

Diamond – lets talk about the first Revolution match of the new federation, the Royale Rhumble for the vacant AWWE World Championship, and what an event its promising to be

Ruby – that’s right, we have AWW wrestlers facing GWE wrestlers for the first time tonight, we have old feuds and alliances from both federations, and no doubt a few new ones will be created tonight

Diamond – before we start, the president of AWWE will be coming out here to address the fans in the arena, so shall we hand over to him?

Ruby – why not?

The drumbeat from Queens ‘We Will Rock You’ starts up, as words come over the music, similar in tune to we will rock you, but, slightly different in context………………….

“Down in Dartmoor with the sheep,

We won’t let them get to sleep

Mud on our face

Big disgrace

Little woolly fuckers all over the place

We will, we will, fuck you (baa)

We will, we will, fuck you (baa)”

The AWWE President, Prez Taffy, walks out, to the top of the ramp, wearing an expensive looking suit, and a pair of Wellingtons, which REALLY don’t look the part, and carrying, under his right arm, the man/woman/thing he has named as AWWE commissioner, his bitch, Flossy the blow up sheep.

Taffy stands at the top of the ramp, and looks over the crowd, as a sycophantic ringside gopher (gopher this, gopher that, gopher the other) runs over to taffy with a microphone, passes him the microphone, and then runs out of view of the camera

Taffy – welcome one and all to the all new, all different, AWWE, I had prepared a big speech, but, seeing as my two announcers covered the main points of what I was going to say in their opening segment, it looks like I’m going to just have to play it by ear, firstly, lets have a word from our commissioner, Flossy

Taffy puts the microphone to Flossy’s mouth, and gives Flossy a quick squeeze, as an electronic voice unit inside of Flossy makes a tinny baa noise, before Taffy takes the microphone back

Taffy – thank you Flossy, I am sure that those are wise words that most of our roster would be wise to heed

Ruby – uh, is Taffy all there?

Diamond – he’s employed an inflatable, four legged sex toy covered in puncture repair patches as the Commissioner for the AWWE, he also pays our wages, lets not ask that question again, okay?

Ruby – uh, sure

Taffy – now, I would just like to mention, for the fans, the people watching at home, and for the insurers, that, although we will be providing top notch entertainment, there will be none of the insane antics which caused the old AWW to go the way it did, shares as worthless as verruca cream to a man with no feet, unable to get any kind of insurance, either for the property, the wrestlers, or even the audience, cameramen refusing to work without having personal bodyguards hired for them, and that is only the tip of the iceberg, then we have the pint at the bar matches, the constant refurbishment after the pub fight matches, the half dozen or so petrol stations that were host to Hell In A Shell matches………… without permission from the owners……….. No, this federation will be run properly, and I have taken steps to ensure that the AWWE will be run professionally, now, that is enough from me, the fans aren’t here to hear me talk, they are here to see a show

‘We Will Fuck You’ plays as Prez Taffy walks backstage

Diamond – strong words from the president of the company there, we’ll be right back after this break………………..

Commercial Break

We come back from break to see, that, backstage, a camera crew is with interviewer Tony ‘Mac’ McCall

Mac: I’m here backstage outside the locker room of Stain and his Stainites ahead of tonight’s Royale Rhumble for the vacant AWWE World Championship of the world. I’m hoping to get a few words with Stain himself.

Mac knocks on the door of the locker room, the sound reverberates down the empty corridor to no effect.

Mac: He’s not answering. I’ll just peek around the door and see what’s happening.

Mac slowly and carefully pushes the locker room door open just a crack. The harsh electric lighting of the corridor sweeps a scything arc of brilliance across the floor of the darkened room on the other side of the door. Mac tentatively puts his head around the door to see the rest of the room faintly lit by candles, the light of which just picking out the edge of a large man moving towards him quickly. Before he can even scream Mac is pulled in through the door by his throat.

Stain: What do you want little man? Can’t you see I’m busy?

All that comes from Mac slight squealing and a sound best described as the noise made by an 80 year old donkey whose been smoking 40 King size Benson and Hedges every day for all his life. Stain released his grip as Mac regains his breath, then his composure and asks the question he came here to ask.

Mac: Do you know that Whittler is in the building?

Mac flinches to protect his face, anticipating a blow that does not come. Stain is stood there motionless. Grinning.

Stain: I thought the fool might turn up. But he is of no threat to me in his condition. He’s simply one less moron to contend with. Allowing me to turn my attentions to more pressing opponents.

Mac: Like Bryvoski?

Stain: Ha ha ha ha ha! Bryvoski? That possession hungry piece of trash? He’s a waste of my valuable time.

Mac: Then which opponent are you referring to?

Stain: not opponent. But “opponents”, a group of so called wrestlers who have been nothing but trouble for this organisation since the day they banded together. The pervert, the martial artist with anger management issues and the lumbering lummox who’s about 5 years past his prime.

Mac: Y..y…you mean Dragons Klaw?!?!

Stain: Precisely. You’re not as stupid as you look. The Dragons Klaw are next on my hit list. With them out of the way there will be nothing to stop me and my Stainites moulding the AWWE in my image. A place of seriousness and hard work, where entertainment and comedy are not even related, where the fans idea of fun would be a three-hour long show with no jokes or silliness whatsoever. That is my dream. The Dragons Klaw are stopping me achieving that dream Mac, so they must be taken out. One way or another.

Mac is physically thrown out of the room. We hear the door lock from the inside as we cut back to ringside.

Commercial Break

Royale Rhumble for the AWWE World Championship

Diamond – hello and welcome back to AWWE

Ruby – the ring is ready, so, lets get those wrestlers out here, shall we?

Cotton Eye Joe by The Rednex hits the speakers, as Whittler walks out, slightly stooped, and holding his ribs with his left arm, as he half walks, half staggers down to the ring

Ruby – this is not a good position to be in I’d say

Diamond – you’re right, first into the rumble is bad enough, it means that to win it, he’s going to have to face everybody on the AWWE roster, which is a daunting enough prospect, but, with the injuries that he sustained at the hands of Stain’s disciples, if you want to call them that, Stainite One and Stainite Two

Ruby – he’s already outside odds of winning, and we don’t even know who else is in the Rhumble

Juratissol By Filter hits the speakers, as The Dragon walks out, and stands at the top of the ramp, staring at Whittler

Ruby – this could be very bad indeed

Diamond – indeed, Whittler is hurting from the beating he was given, and his first challenge is one of the biggest

Ruby – for those of them that don’t know, The Dragon is a competent martial artist, as well as having been able to remain unbeaten in AWW for over eighteen months

Diamond – and right now Whittler is in his way

Ruby – hurt and fatigued even before the match starts, not the best start to an AWWE career for The Whittler

The Dragon climbs into the ring, and stares at Whittler, as both wrestlers de-coat themselves, as The Dragon starts to walk around Whittler, as the bell rings.

Whittler, to his credit, leaps at Dragon, as the two tie up, but, a swift knee from the Dragon slams into Whittlers guts, doubling him over, as The Dragon whips Whittler into the corner, and Whittler falls to the floor, sat down, clutching his ribs

Ruby – I knew this would happen

Diamond – hang on, Dragon is letting Whittler stand up, why isn’t he going in for the kill?

Ruby – it’s called honour

Diamond – stupid concept if you ask me

Whittler stands up, and starts throwing punches at Dragon, but, Dragon, with his martial arts training is able to block every one of them, before sidestepping Whittler, and striking Whittler in the back of the neck with an elbow, staggering Whittler forwards, as Whittler spins round, and manages to catch The Dragon on the chin with a fluke punch

Ruby – Whittler may be hurt, but he’s got guts to fight back like he is

Diamond – whatever

Ruby -?

Diamond – if Dragon would stop messing about, he could have already had Whittler out of the ring, and could be waiting for his next opponent

BONG!

The sound of a gong rings out, as Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas hits the speakers, as former GWE wrestler Feng Shuey runs down to the ring

Ruby – and here comes Feng Shuey now

Feng runs into the ring, and lunges for Dragon, who drops Feng with a DDT, as the Dragon stands up, staring at Feng, The Dragon looking very confused

Diamond – that was a fantastic counter there by The Dragon

Ruby – just a pity that Dragon didn’t plan it like that

Feng gets up, grabs The Dragon's arm, and puts himself into a headlock, and then, turns it into a face buster on himself, as the rolls around on the mat in pain, as the Dragon and Whittler turn to face each other and just shrug shoulders

Diamond – Feng does have a very……………… well………………..

Ruby – unique style?

Diamond – I was thinking more idiotic that unique

Ruby – I’d go for unusual

Diamond – no, definitely idiotic

In the ring now, Feng is pinned into the corner, whilst Whittler beats seven bells out of him, and The Dragon stands in another corner having a rest for a minute, Whittler isn’t actually trying to beat up on Feng, he just is, as Feng grabs his hands, as the Dragon walks over, and somehow, they don’t know how, Feng forces them to throw him out of the ring, as he lands, face first on the metal barrier

Ruby – Feng Shuey is eliminated

Diamond – I think he eliminated himself

The Dragon and Whittler stare at each other, as Whittler punches The Dragon in the face, and follows it up with another and another, and another, backing The Dragon into the corner as he does so

Diamond – now do you see what I mean? If Dragon had eliminated Whittler when he should have, then he wouldn’t be in this position now

Whittler hits The Dragon with Shaving The Bark, leaving The Dragon slumped in the corner, as Whittler drags himself up, and grabs hold of The Dragon's arm, and whips him into another corner, as Whittler runs, and hits The Dragon with a running splash, as The Dragon staggers out of the corner, and Whittler drops to the mat, clutching his ribs

Diamond – well, that was dumb, guys got a load of broken ribs, and so, what does he do? He goes and splashes Dragon; he uses a move that involves hitting your opponent with your own body, and, in his case, his own broken ribs

Ruby – Whittler knows how tough Dragon is; he’s trying whatever he can to keep pressure on him

BONG!

Ruby – who’s next?

The Ace Of Spades by Motorhead hits, as The Cincinnati Kid runs out, and slides under the bottom rope, clothes lining The Dragon's leg as he enters, dropping The Dragon down to one knee

Ruby – now this is just the man that Whittler needed to help him take on The Dragon

Diamond – wasn’t it the Cincinnati kid, or Cinci, as everyone seems to call him, that was the man who eventually pinned The Dragon?

Ruby – yes it was

Cinci wastes no time whatsoever, and hits The Dragon in the back of the head with a knee, then, whilst The Dragon is still down on one knee, Cinci hits him with a DDT, as Cinci stands up, and climbs the turnbuckle, as Whittler locks in a Stump Puller on The Dragon, trying to hold him in place

Diamond – I was proved right, wasn’t I?

Ruby – what?

Diamond – Dragon's getting double-teamed here in the ring, he could have had it all his own way if he didn’t try to be nice to Whittler

Ruby – there’s a difference between being nice, and having respect for an opponent

Diamond – like hell there is, being brutal is the way to win

Ruby – like you?

Diamond – damn right

Ruby – and how many belts did you win?

Diamond – um…………

Ruby – did you hold an eighteen month unbeaten streak?

Diamond – ooh, look, action in the ring

In the ring, Cinci leaps off of the turnbuckle…………. And hits Whittler with a hurricanrana, throwing him across the ring, as Cinci flips to his feet

Ruby – call that a reminder that there are no friends in this kind of match

Cinci pauses, as he feels a hand grab hold of his hair, as he is spun around by the Dragon

Ruby – The Dragon Slayer!

Diamond – now that’s more like it

The Dragon drags Cinci up, and hits him with an arm wrench and hook kick combo, putting him on his back, as The Dragon turns his attention, once again, to Whittler, as The Dragon walks forwards, and right into a low forearm from Whittler

Ruby – looks like Whittler just remembered that there’s no disqualification in this kind of match

The Dragon drops to his knees, as Cinci runs across the ring, and hits The Dragon with a face buster, whilst, at the same time, hitting Whittler with a double footed drop kick, leaving all three men lying in the ring

Ruby – who’s going to be the first to recover?

BONG!

Diamond – doesn’t matter, because now somebody is going to come in to get his pick of who to throw out first

Ruby – or maybe not

Diamond – its Jean Claude Van Dyke!

Ruby – not the best of AWW reputations on this mans shoulders, is it?

Diamond – no, not really

JCVD climbs into the ring, and grabs hold of Cinci, who, on his way to his feet, simply hits JCVD with The Mist Spot, and follows it up with The Headfuck, as the Dragon stands up, grabs JCVD by the scruff of the neck, and slams his head into the turnbuckle

Ruby – Dragon and Cinci make beating Van Dyke up look easy

Diamond – hate to spoil the illusion for you, but, from what I heard about this Van Dyke guy, it is

The Dragon throws JCVD out of the ring, and turns around, to see Cinci in mid air, as The Dragon catches him, and hits The Dragonbomb, slamming Cinci’s face into the turnbuckle on his way down, as Whittler, who is now up, hits The Dragon with a fast clothesline

Ruby – the action in the ring has been all Dragon, Cinci and Whittler so far

Diamond – not surprised, the only others that have entered so far were pathetic

BONG!

Get Over It by Ok Go hits the speakers, as Suicide runs out, and straight into the ring

Ruby – and here is Suicide, one of the most underrated of the old AWW wrestlers

Diamond – I’d say unlucky myself

Ruby – well, he was, he was main event material, but, by sheer bad luck, he never managed to get his hands on the main belt

Suicide climbs into the ring, and wastes no time in making a beeline for The Dragon, who is trying to get up, as suicide hits The Dragon with punches and kicks, before hitting The Dragon with a twisting neck breaker, putting The Dragon down, as Suicide climbs the turnbuckle

Ruby – Kamaside to The Dragon

Diamond – this is how to fight a match Ruby

Suicide drags The Dragon up, against the ropes, and starts to strike at The Dragon, as, instinctively, Suicide ducks, as Cinci leaps behind him, Suicide was Cinci’s target, but, Cinci inadvertently hits The Dragon with a cross body, knocking The Dragon, and himself out of the ring

Ruby – Dragon and Cinci are out

Diamond – just a pity that it took Cinci eliminating himself to get rid of The Dragon

BONG!

Ruby – well, how’s that for timing?

Four Skinny Indie Kids by Half Man Half Biscuit hits the speakers, as Ardcase Accy walks out

Diamond – first Cinci, now Accy, what is this, past it wrestlers day?

Ruby – I’d have to argue with you on that one, Accy and Cinci may have had very nasty injuries, but, in both cases, it looks like they have had plenty of time to recover

Diamond – and now they are just covered in ring rust

Ruby – but, they have experience on their sides

Accy starts as he means to go on, by hitting Whittler with a Lagerplex as soon as he gets into the ring, then lunges at Suicide, and hits him with Sweet Chest Music, as our hero signals to his fans in the audience, including Gentle Ben and Paul Hogan

Diamond – that’s the way, hit them as hard as you can, wear them down, and keep hitting them

Accy runs between Suicide and Whittler, hitting them both with kicks and punches, keeping them both down, and trying to figure out what to do next

Diamond – see what I mean about the ring rust?

BONG!

Stain by Nirvana hits, as Stain runs into the ring, and wastes no time in making a beeline for Whittler, hitting him with The Irresistible Force, and following it up with The Immovable Object, as Accy concentrated himself on Suicide, as Accy attempted a DDT, only to have it countered by a Monkey Toss, as Suicide turned round, to face Accy

Ruby – waitaminute! Who’s this?

The Stainites run from the back, and into the ring, as the Stainites drag Whittler up to his knees, allowing Stain to hit him with Angels Wings, before allowing the Stainites to throw him out of the ring, to the outside

Ruby – Whittler is eliminated in the most unsportsmanlike fashion

Diamond – didn’t you yourself say that there’s no disqualification?

Ruby – well, yes

Diamond – then Stain isn’t breaking any rules, is he?

Bong!

Tequila by Terrorvision hits, as Bryvoski runs out, and into the ring, just as the Stainites overpower and eliminate Ardcase Accy

Ruby – there’s a team of three in the ring right now, and that is not playing fair

Bryvoski grabs Stainite One and hits The Bouncer, throwing him out of the ring, as Bryvoski hits Stainite Two with The Bouncer, only to see that Stainite One is already in the ring again, as Suicide hits Stain with a flying shoulder, knocking him between the ropes, and to the outside

Ruby – Stain is down, but not out, he didn’t go over the top

Diamond – and it looks like he’s just staying outside and letting the Stainites soften up Suicide and Bryvoski

Suicide and Bryvoski constantly beat up on the Stainites, but, no matter how many times they throw them out of the ring, they always seem to get back in, as the crowd starts to jeer Stain, who is simply not bothering to get back into the ring

BONG!

Danger! High Voltage by Electric Six hits, as Dangerous Johnny Dollar runs into the ring, and starts off by hitting Suicide with Whipcrack, knocking Suicide into the corner, as he hits The Defibrilator, as Stain climbs into the ring, and starts to hit Suicide with punches and kicks, as the two Stainites concentrate their efforts on Bryvoski

Ruby – I don’t think it’s fair that the Stainites can eliminate people, but nobody can eliminate the Stainites

Diamond – newsflash! Life isn’t fair

BONG!

Ozar Midrashim by Information Society hits, as The Kurgan walks out, Coatless, and in SSJ state

Ruby – and here comes a completely fresh Kurgan

The Kurgan walks towards the ring, and climbs into the ring, grabbing both of the Stainites, slamming their heads together, and hitting them with Venom, as they stagger around the ring temporarily blinded by the attack, as The Kurgan grabs dollar, and spins him round

Diamond – Tombstone To Hell!

The Kurgan stands up, and is hit by Stains Stain Remover, knocking him down, as Stain is hit, from behind, by Suicides Inverted DDT, putting him down, as Dollar and Suicide tie up, and force each other into a corner, as Bryvoski sees the Stainites getting into the ring, and hits them both with consecutive Tequila Slammers, putting them both down, as The Kurgan, who is now up again, and Bryvoski grab hold of Stain, and throw him out of the ring

Ruby – Stain is eliminated!

The Kurgan and Bryvoski look at each other, and smile, as they tie up, as The Kurgan hits Insert Groin Here on Bryvoski, and Irish whips him over the top rope

Ruby – that was sneaky

Diamond – but be honest, the amount of times that Bryvoski and The Kurgan have wrestled, Bryvoski should have expected that to happen

BONG!

Pretty Fly For a Jedi hits the speakers, as Assassin runs out, and into the ring

Diamond – I thought we’d have gotten rid of this pervert by now

Assassin runs into the ring, only to be Munched by The Kurgan, putting him flat on his back, as The Kurgan stands up, and waits for assassin to stand, as, by this time, Suicide and Dollar have broken from the tie up, as Suicide hits Dollar with a running power slam, as Suicide sees The Kurgan stood, waiting for Assassin to get up, as Suicide hits The Kurgan with a bulldog, and stands up, to see assassin running at him, as Suicide attempts a spine buster, but, Assassin counters with a DDT, as Assassin climbs the turnbuckle

Ruby – Assassin is known for high-risk manoeuvres, I wonder what he’s going to try now?

Diamond – nothing

As Assassin perches himself on the top rope, Dollar runs, and pushes Assassin off of the top, and to the outside, eliminating him, as The Kurgan grabs Dollar from behind, and eliminates him

Ruby – just Suicide and Kurgan left

The Kurgan looks, and sees that Suicide is his knees, getting up, as The Kurgan hits Shockwave, knocking Suicide onto his back, as The Kurgan gets up, and drags Suicide up, and throws him out of the ring, as Ozar Midrashim hits

Ruby – The Kurgan has won!

The Kurgan is passed the AWWE world Championship, and is stood in the ring, when, all of a sudden, We Will Fuck You starts to play, as Prez Taffy walks out

Taffy – not so fast Kurgan! That isn’t your belt

Kurgan – you what?

Taffy - Who said YOU have a contract?

Kurgan – you bought my contract when you bought out AWW

Taffy – well, I don’t want YOU or any of your Dragon's Klaw cohorts in MY federation, you have no contract here, you have no right to be here, and you have no claim to MY title here

Kurgan – you mean just cos you don’t like me, you mean?

Taffy – that as well, next event, there will be a title match, involving the last 2 legitimate AWWE wrestlers to be eliminated, that’s Dangerous Johnny Dollar and Suicide, you though, you’ll have a match, next event, to try to win an AWWE contract if you want in so much, and if anybody interferes on your behalf, then you, Dragon, and Assassin are out of here, and are NEVER coming back!

Ruby – how about that?

Diamond – I agree with the boss, I mean, who wants somebody like him in AWWE?

Ruby – the fans do

Diamond – well, they were cheering for that loser Suicide as well, they should have cheered people like Stain, who was smart enough to increase his chances of winning

Ruby – I disagree totally with what you said, but I have no time to argue, that’s all folks, see you next time!

Camera fades